Friday, February 4, 2011


(This post was written a little while ago...but I didn't post it yet.)

"Seeing as it is the Christmas season I decided to make my once a year pilgrimage to the Gehenna of the modern western world. The local mall.

This trip was made especially wretched by the fact that I was up the entire night before having my dinner evacuated by my guts thanks to the little puke bug that is going around. This was however, my last day to do some gift shopping before leaving Los Angeles for the arctic tundra that is known as Seattle.

I closed out the Hulu page on my computer that I had been parked at for an embarrassingly long amount of time, peeled my lifeless skeleton out of my warm bed, strapped on some shoes and set off for my journey.

The roof seemed to be the wisest area to park in, due to my delirium and my frequent habit of forgetting where I parked my car. Shuffling into the atrium like a Grandma with a bad hip replacement, I was assaulted with smells of chinese food (that had no doubt been warming under lights since I woke up this morning) strollers and leashes piloted by frazzled parents who should have seriously considered shopping online, and...the grand conspiracy perpetuated by lies told by society, grandparents, and tv.....Santa.

I was like Normandy.

I ducked out of range of swinging bags, dodged uncovered child sneezes, and battled with snooty unintelligible store employees who would get upset when being interrupted from their conversation with their gay guy pal at the women's clothing store with whom they were analyzing her last nights sexting rendezvous with [insert high school boy's name.]

It soon became clear that an escape route was needed. My bags filled mostly with items I bought for myself (sheepish laugh...) I navigated towards where I thought I had parked. Once again old lady shuffling through the sea of chaos when upon my ears the cochlea damaging level screams register.

To my left, was a magnificent scene unfolding of child completely recumbent on the storefront floor, complete with feet kicking, fists pounding in a fit. "I WAAAANNNTTT IIIIIITTTTT!!!" His passion and volume was quite impressive as he fervently contorted his face and body on his mission to open the will and wallet of his mother for that toy he "had to have or was going to SCREEEAAAMMM!" All the while attracting a huge crowd.

Then, in that moment of pandemonium and weird mall smells I stopped ...and a Grinch style smile curled up my grumpy face. I was most thoroughly enjoying the fact that that was not my child. That I could leave the mall and not have to take that hellion with me. And most of all, that this child was able to convey every emotion I was feeling at that moment but by the constraints of society and what is deemed appropriate behavior for an adult, could not express.

Or it was just the flu medicine kicking in and making me crackers. Who knows. All I know is I escaped with a smile on my face and a story to tell."

1 comment:

  1. I laughed out loud watching that horrible (but funny) sneering smile come over the Grinches face and all the while thinking of you. Some day you will have a kid who will throw fits and torture you and I will think, alas! Revenge! Not that any of you kids were fit throwers but you all had your own ways of torturing me. But you were worth it my precious much loved horrible lil girl.