Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Love In this Club? Really?!

Since moving to Los Angeles in April I have been subject to a few of the different "scenes" it has to offer. I've hung out with surfers and gone to watch UFC fights at Barney's Beanery Bar with the boys in Santa Monica, I've visited some tasty dive taco stands and had beatnik parties on front lawns in Long Beach, and had a quaint cup of frozen yogurt and a stroll in the park in Burbank. But a particular sub-culture has ruffled my feathers and I must object to it. The Club Scene.

Let me break it down for you.
Prep Time:

Ladies, they spend hours searching shops for the perfect outfit that strategically shows the most skin possible, get the highest heels they can manage to walk in, and generally try and skankify as much as possible about their appearance. I'd say about 80% of these outfits are made of polyester and have some form of bedazzlements... whether it be lace, rhine stones or sequins. Exhibit A:

Guys; now this can vary sometimes depending on the level of self importance and douchiness. They spend the bulk of their time on getting their hair into these unnatural directions while using a whole bottle of product. Combine this with a spray tan, about a half a bottle of cologne (usually Abercrombie/Aqua Disio,) and an Ed Hardy/Affliction shirt that is a size too small. (This is because they think it creates the illusion of being more ripped. It does not.) I could not decide what picture to best illistrate my point so I must refer you to the bible of douchey club looking guys: "Hot Chicks With Douche Bags." Get your copy today!

You wait in line and are let in in order of hotness or whoever can bribe the bouncer with cash. Upon entering your ears are molested with damagingly loud house music that you notice as the night goes on does not really change to the next "song." Now that you have entered the hunting ground it is the females goal to go out on the dance floor and perform the ritual mating call of "bumping and grinding." A interested male will approach, usually from behind and with no warning and try to keep rhythm with her while hoping not to be shooed away. If both parties are satisfied with each others appearance then this dancing aka:sex with clothes on, will continue until one of them gets bored or they leave together to get busy. (In some cases this is done in the club bathroom, seeing as it is more convenient for both parties to rendezvous.)

No other place in our society would this kind of behavior be acceptable. If you see a hot guy in the line at the grocery store it is not your first instinct to go rub up against him to whatever Celine Dion song is playing in the store, and tell him he's "SO SEXY!" Why is this allowed to take place at night clubs? Anywhere else it would be considered assault!

It's time ladies and gentlemen of the age range 18-28 to put down the cologne and body glitter and meet people somewhere more respectable. Try coffee shops, art walks, work, church, concerts etc. I don't know just put some freaking clothes on and stop trying to hump strangers!

Yes that is me, on the bottom right.... in the name of research I was at Les Deux in the name of...research.

That is all.

1 comment:

  1. hi, aubrey! thank u for dropping by my blog:) i'm loving urs! this is such a great post! i couldn't agree more! ur description of the guys made me lol yet it's sadly true for most of these guys:/

    p.s. yes, i've heard of polyvore:) i haven't caved in, yet hahaha! although, i keep hearing good things about it:)